39 Things I Discovered as a Child Sexual Abuse Survivor

The Memorials by Matthew E. Eaton with assistance from Camera360

The Memorials by Matthew E. Eaton with assistance from Camera360

In honor of seeing my 14,244th sunrise, I have decided to do a list post (I hate these things, but it works for today) for the 39 things I have learned about myself since admitting I was a child sexual abuse survivor.

Please read on and see if you can identify with any of these entries. Comment on what you think was best down below, and share this with others if you believe it was of any help to you. Continue reading

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Mentality is the heart of successful self-care

My mental self-care at the moment

My mental self-care at the moment

I do not care about my physical health.

When people ask me the hard question regarding whether or not I want to live a long life, reach out to people, and give them the peace they deserve by spreading my message, I shrug and look on.

It is the same when discussing my sexuality: Health and longevity are six feet under on the desires list, along with being the literary god.

I eat better than I used to, I focus more on exercise because of my job, and I make certain I get as much sleep as I can, but I don’t obsess over health. Self-care isn’t a long-term goal. It is a one day at a time movement.

Is this such a bad thing, all things considered?

Should I be aggressive and assertive in my care to the point I can extend my life by another five years?

Should I join the cult of broheims at the gym and convert those to the Holy Church of Muscle?

Are you facing a situation like this?

Perhaps my story will help you understand and accept things in your life, even if they aren’t at the most optimal at the moment. Continue reading

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Suicide is not Self-Expression

My suicidal thoughts in one imageImage by Matthew Eaton

My suicidal thoughts in one image
Image by Matthew Eaton

I cross the bridge of suicide every day.

It is a metaphorical and a physical bridge. It is any bridge I cross, no matter where my feet fall. Every time I reach the middle of this bridge, an alternative reality version of me jumps over the rail into the abyss.

I dangle in the breeze, thrashing in a last-minute change of mind, but it is too late. The noose does the job and ends my feeble attempt to change fate.

… And then I’m among the trees and buildings, continuing my journey to wherever I intended to be, all the while hoping I won’t cross another bridge along the way.

How many people suffer from this specific vision? It is hard to tell.

How many people think suicidal thoughts every day? Millions, if the studies are right.

It cuts across gender, age, and race. It is the great equalizer because it is death.

More Baby Boomers die from suicide than in car accidents. Millenials clamor for the self-expression, lamenting how a world forgot about them.

Yet, is it the stigma of suicide that draws the attention, or is it a real problem bubbling due to the end of an age?

Would you commit suicide if it weren’t an unholy thing?

WARNING! This will be filled with triggers and the like. If you are not comfortable with this concept, please visit another post on this site! Continue reading

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Monster In My Mind: My Demonic Heart

The Beauty in Monstrous ThoughtPhoto by Matthew Eaton

The Beauty in Monstrous Thought
Photo by Matthew Eaton

I am a monster.

There are many people who believe this statement is false, and to a certain extent, I do as well. You see; I adopted this mindset from the people who meant to look out for me by encouraging me to be less than I could be.

As an abused child and a survivor of sexual molestation, I was rather vulnerable between my first and second time. I turned into my shell, never sought help in any way, shape, or form, and suddenly I was stunted in my personal growth.

I know this now, but I didn’t understand it then, that my shyness and inability to connect with people I didn’t trust made things harder for me, not easier.

I believe my mother resented the fact I was so shelled in. My father certainly didn’t appreciate it since he was rather grumpy during the stretch I visited him in Lompoc.

I remember times when he was quite frustrated I wouldn’t play with the others or I didn’t have the same ideas or goals when it came to being a “normal human boy with normal human skin that I grew on my own body and in no way harvested.”

There was a monster brewing underneath the sweet innocence. Continue reading

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I Am Not Sex, and You Can Too

"A day without sex is like a day without sunshine"It's a good thing my heart is fogged in with evilPhoto by: Matthew Eaton w/ assistance from Camera360

“A day without sex is like a day without sunshine”
It’s a good thing my heart is fogged in with evil
Photo by: Matthew Eaton w/ assistance from Camera360

I have not had sex in 13 years by choice.

You might believe this is a bit extreme.

“Get over it and get in the saddle,” you’d say. “You’re really missing out on something wonderful.”

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, so my response to you is an angry one with hurt and sadness mixed in with it. It is one few people think about when they engage in the act, yet it causes so much pain and suffering that it shouldn’t be ignored.

Sex is a weapon, or at least it was used as a weapon against me.

Sex isn’t life threatening (other than the STDs you can pick up), but it can easily destroy a human mind and tamper with the body image.

For the assaulter, it is a moment of sheer pleasure (and perhaps power) reaching near addiction levels.

For the assaulted, it is one horrible moment that devastates trust and keeps them locked in a shell for an eternity.

All for one moment. Continue reading

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