So why did I write out this first half of my life story and share it all with you?
Was there more to it than met the eye? Was I looking for sympathy, explosions, hot chicks, and more drinks?
Actually, I did it because it gave me an opportunity to express who I am and what happened to me with a proper mindset and the ability to reach out to others who have been through what I’ve been through and made it to the other side.
You see, I am still wrestling with this thing called “writing,” and dealing with the definitions of what is and isn’t a “good writer.”
In the end, I have no drive to be a “successful writer,” as some of the other writers out there demand as a standard form and measure. I don’t have the drive to write countless books and be an authority in the realm of fiction, writing, and cheeseburgers.
I’ve lived a life, I figure I would share with people who were interested, and that’s what prompted this. If I do something in writing in the future, I am sure it will be in the same mindset as before: A method to express myself, to put out there into the world something that applies to my life, and to create a better understanding for you and I.
I also struggled with what this life was for. As you can tell from the twenty-three chapters, this life really wasn’t intended to be anything more than a “glitch” or an “error.” The cosmic quirk results of a man with woman problems and a lesbian with man problems overriding their programming to create me.
With these issues in tow, I often let myself believe I had no worth. I’ve often sulked into my little abyss to look at the dark heart of my muse and wonder why I am even here at this point.
However, I have heard this statement from other people who feel the same way. They might not have gone through the exact same things, but they feel the same way.
“I am worthless.”
“I am powerless.”
“I am an error.”
“I am a glitch.”
“No one / no thing loves me.”
I’ve spent the better part of two years to get over statements like this. I have spent more time consulting people regarding this feeling and doing my best to help them see the statement isn’t correct. Of course, the problem here is that I couldn’t apply the advice I gave to other people to myself.
It’s funny when you go through everything and believe your mind is the only thing that’s real, isn’t it?
Anyway, instead of plotting to sell off my life story at a buck ninety-nine and get a few looks here and there, I decided it was best to give it away for free.
Trust me, the writing gurus and masters are all angry at me for this. Screw ‘em!
I wrote it because it helped me remember some of the things I forgot. I wrote it because I wanted people to know more about me. I wrote it because I figured there are other people like me out there.
They are writers, artists, pure forms of expression out there wondering if they are alone in how they feel or what they went through.
And even though I can say they aren’t, it still doesn’t matter unless they read the story first. This is why it is here for you to read.
Whether or not it damns me for something in the future, so be it. I’ve had a few potential landlords comment on it and give me some strange moments because of a closet or the way a person walks through the grounds. While it is fantastic they took the time to read my story, it also means they didn’t quite get the overall theme and reason as to why I did it.
So, I’ll only ask for a few things from you at this point:
1. If you have read my tale up to the end, please share it with someone you believe might benefit from reading it. You never know who it might be, and the more you share, the easier it is to affect the people you love with positivity and kindness.
2. If you have any comments at all, please leave them below. I closed off comments for a reason, to funnel everything to this point so I can see what helped the most and what might have confused someone.
3. This is just one half of the story, but it isn’t everything. I haven’t touched on many of the other things in the second half of the story, nor did I tell some of the offshoots and weird stories from the first half. Should I write the second half, or should I post the strange offshoots for public consumption? That’s up to you and what you believe you’d like to read.
All in all, this was an eye opening experience that is just starting. I’d love to have you along for the ride. Please let me know what you think in the comments below and we’ll have a good dialogue (at least, I hope so)
Have a wonderful day and enjoy every moment!
- Matthew Eaton
photo credit: paul bica via photopin cc